Thursday, July 07, 2005

ok... i have no idea where to begin at all.... its like things are flooding on my mind, and i juz feel so stress.... i dun even know if its cos of the relationship anot....

after so long of being together.... 6 mths to be exact, so many thing s have changed... ahve happened... at many times, i wonder if i still like him.... if this is what i wan.... but we both have stay... like how some people stay on jobs they dun even know why.... we both have stay.... until 6 mths....

6mths leh... its not very long, but its long..... at least for someone like mi.... its my longest relationship so far.... but now things are juz too hard to mend....

we had another fight the other day... its getting so frequent... and so tiring.... i no longer feel like i'm being love.... or in love.... i feel like i'm struggling... to keep us floating.... and i feel really sad.... why? i ask myself ten thousand.... a million times.... why? i put my best for this relationship.... i cared..... and we had started off with so much laughters.... and now? all i get is silence at the other end of the phone.... all i get is a guy who doesnt treasure mi... who perhaps dun even care if i leave him...

when there's problems.... he will nv be the one approaching it.... he hangs his phone, keeps quiet... or simply refuses to talk bout it.... how can i keep a relationship like this going? when we go out... alone or with a friend... things are also so much different.... we are not like last time... not as close.... we dun always hold hands.... and even when we do.... it feels fake... i feel like his heart is not there.... when we watch movie.... we are quiet.... we dun talk.... we dun laugh... like before.... we dun behave like wat couples will.... and we are not even like we used to be before we like each other.... now, evrything is wrong.....

i feel terrible... its like i'm watching my love fading away before mi.... slowly dying away.... when i look at him now... i feel a heartache.... its like wat we used to have, its gone... maybe long gone...

we promised to give each other time... 1 and 1/2 weeks time... without any contact.... to see how... tat means to break or not.... even as i think of it... i feel like crying.... but at the same time i only feel like crying on his shoulders..... i miss the good old days.....

i dun wish for us to break.... but i dun wan a fake relationship anymore... i wan to feel happy... i wan to feel loved by someone i loved.... i dun wan to love without feeling its worth it anymore... so wat will be the outcome? we promised to let each other think... but after 2 days of thinking... i feel exactly the same.... ii wan a better relationship.... i wan him to changed... i wan him to realise wats wrong all these while.... but a large part of mi know that i'm asking for too much.... that its nearly impossible.... so wat will be the outcome? i really dunno.... i feel like knowing wats in his mind now... i dun wan to waste my time anymore....